Entering the world of therapy...again...

I have had so much shit happen since, I last wrote--I am not even sure where to begin.
Two weeks ago tomorrow, my father called me and asked me to check my email. In the email, he proceeded to tell me that he was having an internet affair with some woman that he dated when he was in high school. They had primarily been interacting over email and had not talked over the phone...any other details, I really, really don't want to know. That was way too much for me to know anyway. He was not only unloading this on me, but he was in a state of panic because he was trying to break it off with her and he was afraid that she would call my mother. Initially, this was an absolutely horrendous situation. It brought up just about every childhood issue that I have--having boundaries crossed, having to help take care of my family as a third parent, being out of control, keeping secrets...shit, it was all there. A couple days before that call my dad had asked me about where he should go get therapy himself. I was, and still am for that matter, proud of him. My father is a survivor of pretty severe sexual abuse that went on for several years by a male relative. Not many men are able to even admit this, not many sexual abuse survivors are able to go on without some sort of treatment and not offend. My father raised four children without perpetrating on any of us. He was there for us all of the time.

So you ask, where did my father's dysfunction come out, since he never actually dealt with his abuse issues? This is where my parents' relationship comes into play. My father and mother had what I would call, an abusive relationship. My father being the "victim". Of course, like men being sexually abused, men that are victims in violent/abusive relationships, don't announce that to the world...that would destroy all of their manhood in our society. So for approximately 38 years he has put up with mostly verbal, cutting remarks from my mother and some physical violence that I remember as a child. When he told me he was having an internet affair, I had to wonder to myself, "it took you this long?" Of course, my mother doesn't know, and I think it may be best that she never know if she doesn't get any kind of help herself. I know it was wrong of my father to "look for love" outside of his marriage...but was it really that wrong for him to look for someone who would show him compassion.

On top of all of this, my father found his old girlfriend's pictures when he was cleaning out my grandmother's house to sell. Grandma went to the nursing home last April. She has severe dementia. When I go see her now, she usually thinks I am her cousin or some other family member. This has been extremely hard for Dad, and myself, to deal with . He was an only child. He was close with his mom. His dad was extremely physically abusive as well. Now, it is like what he knew of his mother is gone.

As much as I was angry at my father for telling me all of this, I am still proud of him. He has gone to three therapy appointments. And he said to me "do you know that I have all of the signs of someone who has survived sexual abuse?" and I said "yes!!!!" I never thought my father would ever, in a million years, begin to address those issues. Now he is talking about them. He is talking about "feelings". He is finally taking care of himself. My mom is a different story. My dad being in therapy may lead to them not being a couple any more. That would be an adjustment but I remember wishing that would happen many times as a child. They are both still my parents and I love them both very much.

I am going back to therapy next week myself. I thought I could use a bit of a "tune-up" after this incident. I will keep all of my loyal readers updated on my latest "revelations"!! I have to thank Depressionista for her support during this crazy time in my life!!