Picking at the Layers
I had a good therapy session today. I went into feeling like I am a bit scattered lately. I don't know if it is coming out of the holidays and off of vacation or what. I also felt like I have worked through several things over the last several months--family origin dysfunction, losing grandma, yada, yada. But the constant issues are still there.
My therapist reminded me today that I am really pretty functional person. I go to work, take pretty good care of my kid, have a fairly decent relationship with my husband, and have maintained some good relationships with female friends. Which, overall, I know but sometimes I don't really give myself credit for these things. I get stuck in the "negative self-talk".
So of course, our discussion today turned to the "weight" issue. This is and will continue to be a life long battle for me. But I came clean with an issue I have never discussed before with a therapist. My "picking" issues. I thought it was time to bring it out because I feel like it is a problem. I mainly pick a few choice zits/blemishes on my upper chest region. I have picked at things I believe ever since I was about 10 years old. I was telling my therapist today about how I received mixed messages about it as a kid. My mom would pick at the blackheads in my ear religously. And then when I got to be a bit older, when I would spend several minutes in front of the bathroom mirror doing the serious zit scan and come out with my face all red, she would tell me I shouldn't do that. I think that may have been when some of the "closet" picking began. Anyway, I don't feel like it got bad for me at least until the last year or two. What I think defines it as bad for me now is that I will not let an area of about 4-5 sores heal. They are rather red and disgusting looking. I know this is not normal and as I told my therapist today, I don't feel that I have any control over it. And it has gotten worse since I have my own office with a door on it now.
My therapist recommended that I get a psychiatrist to address this issue. I have been having my family doctor follow my psychiatric stuff before as I wasn't feeling my mental health issues were getting quite this complex. My therapist gave me a name of a psychiatrist that I have not interacted with--that can be a challenge for a social worker. I am planning on calling him sometime yet this week to get an appointment scheduled. My therapist wonders if it is a brain chemistry thing that may be helped with some sort of medication. I was also given the assignment of taking notes of what emotions are going on for me when I get the urge to pick. And she said this will also be helpful regarding the eating issues as well. So I think I may be journaling a bit about this. She also noted that my job is not one that lets my creative side out so she thought I should take some sort of sketch pad or creative item to work so that I can turn to that instead of picking when my door is closed. The big message I got today was working on being more aware of my thoughts that lead to my dysfunctional behaviors and turning those thoughts around to positive self-talk. I told her that there is an amazing amount of shame that goes with the picking issues for me. After all it took me about six months to feel comfortable enough to bring it up. I said to my therapist I wonder if the shame of it all fufills some need for me as well. I think the most helpful thing to me today was my therapist totally acting accepting of me and my behaviors--and telling me that maybe there is some brain chemistry with this.
I go back in a couple of weeks for my next therapy appointment. I plan "take note" of my emotions/feelings when I get the urge to pick. I also plan on working on a list of healthy activities that I can act upon as well. I am open to any ideas any of you ladies have out there. Thanks for letting me get that off of my chest!
posted by Cass @ 7:08 PM
3 Comments:
You are so brave.....karmagirl.
Oh LilCherie, good job! I am so glad you got the courage to reveal this to your therapist and equally happy that she is sending you to a psychiatrist to try to sort it all out.
You know I totally relate to the picking issues because I have them too. I feel like most of the time, I can keep that one in control, but the one I struggle with most is the hair pulling. That one feels out of hand lately, but I haven't had the energy to address it. So I'm proud of you.
You are right--there is so much shame attached to these behaviors. Remember...it took me YEARS to reveal my pulling to you and also to J., and even longer to tell a mental health professional. And then I thought they'd be all shocked like I was a total freak. I guess we aren't, because nobody seemed to phased about it!
I know that I pull and/or pick to relieve tension and when I'm bored. So really, it adds up to a lot of time because I'm often either tense or bored! I'm not sure what kinds of treatments are out there, but I will be interested to hear how it goes. I know these kinds of behaviors are strongly associated with anxiety and depression, so maybe if these are addressed more aggressively you will get results on the picking.
This is a totally out-there thought, but I thought I'd put it out there anyway. Do you think it would be helpful to give up just one of your favorite picking areas and, for the time being, give yourself permission to pick the rest? Then gradually eliminate one at a time? Just a thought. Or, is there anything else that gives you some similar sensory satisfaction that would not be harmful to you, like popping bubblewrap or something like that that you could at work?
I really think the weight issue and the picking is related for you. I think you have been focusing more on the weight issue lately, which is probably making you more tense or edgy, which is then worsening the picking. Is one or the other more important to you? Could you ease up on one to focus on the other? Just some ideas.
Finally, I would suggest asking the psychiatrist during your first meeting if he has treated people with this disorder before and whether or not he's been at least somewhat successful. If not, maybe he can refer you to someone who has...even if it's down here where I live. You could coordinate your dental and psychiatry visits!
The bottom line is, I am so proud of you for taking the steps to address this, and I will try to support you in any way I can. And I will love you even if you are a sore-covered bloody mess and I'm bald. Hey...I think there's an idea for a greeting card there!
I love you!
Good for you for continuing in therapy - and I agree, you ARE a functional person! I do, however, understand the "negative self-talk." I often get caught in the downward spiral.
My weight has been bothering me a lot lately, it's such a shock to see photos of myself, and there are always photos at the holidays.
I like the idea of trying to keep track of the emotions that go with negative behaviors (like picking or eating). I think I'm going to try to be more conscious of the emotions I'm having when I eat or feel the urge to eat.
I wonder if the picking is some type of "self comfort" thing for you. I have weird little habits that I do when I'm feeling anxious or there's something on my mind.
I can understand the shame that goes along with the behaviors, but I also have realized that MANY people, if not everyone, have some sort of behavior that they consider negative or dysfunctional and that they are ashamed of. Unfortuntately, the shame keeps us from seeking the help we need to deal with the underlying causes of the behaviors.
On another note, just today, before I read this, I was thinking how glad I am to have an office with a door instead of a cubicle so I can fart and not worry about who will hear.
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