Life Sans Headache

This evening is one of the first times in over a week that I have not had a headache. I still have, what I call, a bit of a shadow of a headache...but I no longer feel like I have a turniquett tied around my forehead. After having a headache over most of the weekend, I decided to go to the family doc. I have had a history of highblood pressure. Typically, people don't have physical symptoms of high blood pressure but I can usually tell when I don't take my medications and I had been taking mine. The telltale headache. I had my mom check my blood pressure when I was visiting on Sunday. It was 125/88--bottom number was high for someone on medication. So of course, I was thinking I was having some sort of cerebral hemmorage. But I also get headaches when I have strained neck muscles or have been clenching my jaws....obviously, much of my tension exits my body through my head. The doctor on Monday checked my BP and it was 120/90--so she decided to increase my medication. She also gave me a muscle relaxers just in case my headache was being contributed to by neck muscles. I took one on Monday night--It seemed to really relax my muscles but nearly made it impossible for me to wake up the next morning.

Those were the physical issues that appeared to be contributing to my headache. Tuesday morning I had therapy. It had been several weeks since I had gone. And of course, I had been feeling like I was doing pretty well. Perhaps a bit of denial on my part...Issues of my father reared their ugly head. I told my therapist about several conversations I had with Dad over the last couple of weeks--usually centering around how awful he feels like my mother treats him--He told me how he "lives in two different worlds", the reality of living with my mother and his other fantasy world. How he does not think that if he left my mother that he could take care of himself because he has been having people care for him his whole life. Dad quit going to therapy, of course. Mom would give him crap about going--I believe, because if Dad gets healthier that would mean she could no longer be abusive to him--she would lose her control. So what do you do when your father tells you all of this stuff about feelings for your mother when your parents are still married and your mother has no idea of how your father really feels. (For the Love of the Gods, how do people live to almost the age of 60 years old and continue to remain this fucked up, in an unhappy relationship--all I know is it will NEVER HAPPEN TO ME). My therapist pointed out to me that YOU PROBABLY GET A HEADACHE. Well, damn. Guess that might make sense. What really struck me in the middle of this and brought tears on for me is that my parents try to live this facade--a nice house, a beautiful garden, living way beyond their means and underneath it all, I know my dad, and more than likely my mother, are not happy. Its all a show. And to top it off, what really hit me upside the head is that it makes me feel pretty shitty realizing that I came out of this relationship--I am the product of two people in this extremely fucked up relationship. And, when I am in "survival mode" --as I told my therapist on Tuesday--I go back to that little kid I was over 20-30 years ago, wondering what I can do to fix my parents, to make everything all better and stable...because I was that third parent. Just trying to make it all better--but you know what. I can't make any better. If I could it would be absolutely fucking perfect by now.

Then the really fucked up thought hit me...what do I do for a living?? I am a social worker that facilitates family meetings. Everyday I go to work and try to fix families...hmmm...wonder how I got into that line of work.

So my therapist thought maybe it would be better if I came more often to see her again...I had to agree. She reminded me that I am an adult now--that I am not back at home with my parents, as a scared little girl, and I have control of my thoughts. That I need to work on staying in the moment and in my adult life...And I need to continue to work on building a healthy daughter/father relationship.

.....and my headache is starting go away....