Illness Everywhere

I have to say that it has been a relaxing weekend. I really have not done much of anything. We had "forced" relaxation. My son came down with 102 temp yesterday and it pretty much held steady through the day. I hate to admit this but sometimes its kind of nice when things get to slow down a bit when your kid is sick. The part that sucks in not knowing exactly what is wrong and hoping it is nothing life threatening. So yesterday evening was a bit nerve racking. But today we made the trip to Urgent Care. The Doc said that his right ear looked a bit infected and his throat was really red. The only thing he had been complaining of is a headache. My own diagnosis: He has had a cold for about two weeks. I think he really has a sinus infection that has been draining down his throat.

He seems to be feeling much better now...Still slow moving but over all, he is starting to get back to himself...doing things like farting, then laughing and saying "I farted".

The Moron's Guide to Childrearing

This morning, I was watching a cartoon with my son. One of the girl characters was reading a book called The Moron's Guide to Babysitting. I thought that was a title I could put to use. And it made me think of work yesterday. I have been a social worker for almost ten years. I would like to think that usually I am a pretty empathetic, caring individual. But every once in a while, I think you really got to lighten up some situations...because if we don't we'll go nuts. Plus, I think I have put my time in, so please forgive me and if there is a hell, I figure I got my room reserved.

Anyway, yesterday I was meeting with a family, that is somewhat lower functioning, along with the counselor that works with them regularly, and a few other people. We were discussing some of the progress the family has made. The counselor says "The home is a lot less messy lately. I have really been working on portion control with Mom with what she gives the kids." He elaborated a bit more and said that previously, Mom, had been giving the kids who are 3 and 2 years old a family size bag of potato chips. They would run off with the chips, take them into the livingroom, and proceed to open the bag, pour its entire contents on the floor and stomp on them--on a regular basis. I thought, "yeah, no shit, I would probably do the same thing if I was a little kid, it sounds like fun". But the counselor and Mom, were proud of themselves because Mom has now learned that it WORKS MUCH BETTER TO GET OUT A BOWL AND POUR A SMALL AMOUNT IN FOR EACH CHILD!! Now, being the mother of a preschooler, the thought has never crossed my mind to just hand my kid a huge bag of chips and let them run off and eat it somewhere else in the house. Its moments like that that make me realize that we really have messed with the natural order of existence and have totally fucked with Darwin's theory of Survival of the Fittest.

How Bizarre, How Bizarre...

Sometimes, it is amazing to me what weird little connections happen in my daily existence. As an example, I have been in a "John Waters" mood lately so I did I blog search for "John Waters". I came upon a website about Liz Renay. She was one of the stars of the movie Desperate Living, that I just happened to watch for the first time last weekend. She died this past Monday. What are the chances of that. She sounded like quite the character. And we also got our latest movies in the mail from Netflix, one of them happens to be the latest John Waters movie--I had put it on our list before last weekend.

Then, I got the book by Amy Sedaris for my birthday from my work spouse. And again, from Netflix, Strangers with Candy, starring Amy Sedaris, must have happened to be at the top of my list because that came in the mail today too.

I am always amused by these little threads that run through my life. Somehow, I must cause them to a certain degree, but at the same time they seem like some kind of crazy little mishap that I can chuckle at.

Update on work spouse's friend for Depressionista: This friend had cancer on her vulva and she had surgery to remove it. She still has her clitoris!!! and her right labia!! that is the good news of the day! Like I said to my work spouse; Every woman needs her clitoris!!

The Best Birthday Ever...

I believe that I have had one of the best birthdays ever. I would like to thank all of my "sisters" who helped make it happen.

The festivities started last Friday with lunch at a new pizza place here in town. My work spouse and Karma Girl took me out for lunch. It was good food and conversation.

Friday night, my husband left town with a friend of his to sell some some merchandise at a big concert in Minnesota. So my son and I spent Friday evening at my work spouse's house. My son got to play with her children and I got to talk with her.

Saturday, I took my son to his grandparents home for an overnighter! They were so excited to have him and he was excited to go! It doesn't get any better than that. I came back home, stopped at the store and got snack items for the upcoming Girl's Night. I laid around the house that afternoon and started watching a really crazy John Waters movie, Desperate Living. A truly demented movie...as soon as you think you are adapting to how crazy it is it only gets crazier.

Then the girls arrived around 5pm, Depressionista and Pioneer Girl. They brought snacks and gifts. I got some way cool stuff. Pioneer got me this awesome statue at a consignment store. A man and a woman kissing, naked, I might add. She also gave me a collection of old knitting pattern books and knitting needles she got from the home of her recently deceased Aunt Barbie. Depressionata got me the Gopher. On our Walgreen's excursions we had encountered the Gopher. Depressionista decided that I needed it due to being "vertically challenged".

Then we started our entertainment for the evening--a double feature of bad exploitation films; Bad Girls Go to Hell and Another Day, Another Man. Lately I have been really enjoying the bad movies--they make for great mocking material and because they are from the 50s and 60s its like a whole different world. We played Boggle, ate food, sat around with no men in the house all night! It was great.

Of course, the biggest snow storm this year happens the night of my birthday, with just about every person I love having to be on the road the next day. My husband from Minnesota, my parents bringing my child back, Depressionista's husband had to come and pick him up. But they all reassured us that they could make it back fine while Depressionista and I got to do what we wanted all Sunday morning and early afternoon. I have to say, once we got passed the worrying it was a very pleasant time to ourselves. I started a knitting project. Depressionista did a very cool drawing. And we got the house very clean.

My parents arrived at my house. They had picked up my sister on the way over. She was in great form. We got to hear about all of her physical ailments, how her husband wants to move to Russia because he is a communist and he thinks we have "too much freedom here", continual questions regarding if my kid's ok. She was completely neurotic. And I was not alone it witnessing it. I have to say thanks, Depressionista, it took quite a load off of me!!

Yesterday, my work spouse gave me my birthday/Christmas presents. They were great. She got me the Amy Sedaris book, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence. Absolutely love this book--it makes fun of everything. Crafts you can make out of pantyhose. How to cleanse your privates...its all there. She also gave me a metallic pens, paper, a handpainted box.

I just want to say to you all "thank you" so much for being great friends and "sisters" to me. You all mean so much. And I am looking forward to the next 36 years with you all!!

A bit fuzzy...

that is my brain this week. So last Friday, I saw the Licensed Nurse Practioner at a psychiatrists office for my "picking issues". It was a good appointment. I did not feel like a complete loser. He helped "normalize" some of my picking behaviors and said that it is a basic human behavior. But of course, I had to tell him that I suppose it is...but it might not be if you don't allow some sores to heal for months because you can't help yourself and you pick at it until it is a bloody open wound. So now I am diagnosed with: Depression with Obsessive Compulsive Traits. He was trying to make sure I was not Bipolar at the beginning of the session. He gave me the basic "Bipolar" questionnaire that included questions like "Do have times of extreme energy?" "Do you ever talk non-stop?" "Do you have problems sleeping?" Now come on, you that know me know that "Manic" is not something that happens to me all that often. Of course, I have a few seconds of pure excitement here and there but no bouts of pure, elated mania...sometimes, I think that would be nice.

Since I was already on Prozac, Mr. Nurse said that is what they typically perscribe someone with OCD traits. So he increased my dose 20 milligrams. I started that on Sunday. By Tuesday night and Wed morning I was a walking fucking zombie...It got rid of my urge to pick....and to do anything else for that matter. I talked with Depressionista on Tuesday night...or rather I mumbled some basic responses to what she said to me. Luckily, my therapist saw me on Wed morning and told me that I should probably call the doc's office back and ask if there is anyway I could cut back the dose. I did that yesterday. I am going to increase 20mg's every other day...not every day. I feel better today. I go back and see him in six weeks.

I don't think I have mentioned recently that MY CORN IS GONE!! This is great....but it means I don't have to go back and see that hot doctor. Unless I can come up with some other foot malady. hmmm....

This weekend I turn 36 years old. Which, of course, calls for a Girl's Night. My child is going to grandma's. My husband is leaving town. So if everything goes right, I will have the house to myself on Saturday. 36 seems so much older to me. I am now venturing into the "late thirties". How did this happen? Oh, well.....I guess I'll continue to enjoy the ride.

Feelin' Groovy

I have to say that for the past several days I actually have been in a pretty good space. I'm not sure why. Perhaps, it is because I have an appointment at a psychiatrist's office on Friday. I got the gumption up to call and make the appointment. Is it like when you have an appointment to get your hair cut? Your hair looks like shit for days, then the day of the hair appointment, you wake up and your hair looks so damn awesome, you almost cancel the appointment. Well, I am not going to cancel the appointment. I am going to go and continue to admit that "I am a picker".

I have found myself feeling rather spirtitual lately. The imagery that is coming to mind is that I feel like a little girl, standing next to a big mountain and I am amazed at how big the mountain is. I feel like I am in "wonder" lately. I feel like I am a little tiny ant on this big huge planet. Its a thought, that if you take too far, can become a negative one. It could turn to the "I am so insignficant, why do I bother with anything?" thought on a dime. But right now I am really enjoying the mystery of it all.

Earlier this week, my husband and I watched "An Inconvenient Truth". At first, this was a downer for me. It reinforced pretty much all of my thoughts on the stupidity of humanity--on how can we continue to kill the planet that we live. And of course, I know that I contribute to it as much as everyone else with my moments of consumer whorism. But then I started thinking about how I try to put some effort forth already to do what I can. I recycle, I try to by used stuff. I am trying to tread a bit lighter on Earth. The other thing it did for me, is it made me notice that I am attuned to the planet more than I thought. Over the last several years, I have felt like the weather changes and all of the storms were not suppose to be happening as they were. That things are changing too quickly. It made me want to focus more on Paganism and taking care of this planet because this is all there really is for us.

I checked out a book from the library on journaling, Journaluation by Sandy Grason. The book is cool but I was more impressed by the publisher, New World Library. They print their books with soy based ink and 100% post consumer recycled paper. They use solar energy to power their offices and contribute to nonprofit oranizations. I found that to be inspirational and hopeful. Maybe more businesses will follow suit--so our great grandkids will have someplace to live.

Picking at the Layers

I had a good therapy session today. I went into feeling like I am a bit scattered lately. I don't know if it is coming out of the holidays and off of vacation or what. I also felt like I have worked through several things over the last several months--family origin dysfunction, losing grandma, yada, yada. But the constant issues are still there.

My therapist reminded me today that I am really pretty functional person. I go to work, take pretty good care of my kid, have a fairly decent relationship with my husband, and have maintained some good relationships with female friends. Which, overall, I know but sometimes I don't really give myself credit for these things. I get stuck in the "negative self-talk".

So of course, our discussion today turned to the "weight" issue. This is and will continue to be a life long battle for me. But I came clean with an issue I have never discussed before with a therapist. My "picking" issues. I thought it was time to bring it out because I feel like it is a problem. I mainly pick a few choice zits/blemishes on my upper chest region. I have picked at things I believe ever since I was about 10 years old. I was telling my therapist today about how I received mixed messages about it as a kid. My mom would pick at the blackheads in my ear religously. And then when I got to be a bit older, when I would spend several minutes in front of the bathroom mirror doing the serious zit scan and come out with my face all red, she would tell me I shouldn't do that. I think that may have been when some of the "closet" picking began. Anyway, I don't feel like it got bad for me at least until the last year or two. What I think defines it as bad for me now is that I will not let an area of about 4-5 sores heal. They are rather red and disgusting looking. I know this is not normal and as I told my therapist today, I don't feel that I have any control over it. And it has gotten worse since I have my own office with a door on it now.

My therapist recommended that I get a psychiatrist to address this issue. I have been having my family doctor follow my psychiatric stuff before as I wasn't feeling my mental health issues were getting quite this complex. My therapist gave me a name of a psychiatrist that I have not interacted with--that can be a challenge for a social worker. I am planning on calling him sometime yet this week to get an appointment scheduled. My therapist wonders if it is a brain chemistry thing that may be helped with some sort of medication. I was also given the assignment of taking notes of what emotions are going on for me when I get the urge to pick. And she said this will also be helpful regarding the eating issues as well. So I think I may be journaling a bit about this. She also noted that my job is not one that lets my creative side out so she thought I should take some sort of sketch pad or creative item to work so that I can turn to that instead of picking when my door is closed. The big message I got today was working on being more aware of my thoughts that lead to my dysfunctional behaviors and turning those thoughts around to positive self-talk. I told her that there is an amazing amount of shame that goes with the picking issues for me. After all it took me about six months to feel comfortable enough to bring it up. I said to my therapist I wonder if the shame of it all fufills some need for me as well. I think the most helpful thing to me today was my therapist totally acting accepting of me and my behaviors--and telling me that maybe there is some brain chemistry with this.

I go back in a couple of weeks for my next therapy appointment. I plan "take note" of my emotions/feelings when I get the urge to pick. I also plan on working on a list of healthy activities that I can act upon as well. I am open to any ideas any of you ladies have out there. Thanks for letting me get that off of my chest!

Mindless Entertainment

Over the last several days, I have enjoyed some real "mindless entertainment". Usually, I find myself always wanting to accomplish something, to have something tangible resulting from my actions. But I really have not given a shit lately. I'm blaming it on the impending full moon.

I have found myself sucked into a video game. This I blame on Depressionista's husband leaving a video game over here. It is called "Collums"--and it is the most mindless, easiest video game that I have encountered. It is very similiar to Tetris--only you cannot rotate the piece, you can only rotate the colors on the piece. You have to get atleast three of a certain color in a row, any direction, to clear the blocks off the screen. And I have to say that I have improved greatly at it over the last two days. The sick thing is that I spent about an hour playing it tonight while my husband and son played together. My excuse was that I had just gotten off of work and my husband is still on vacation so he had all day to goof off.

Another thing has been watching movies. One that I thought was going to be more mindless than it was--"Fast Times at Ridgemont High". Really that was a pretty fun, yet deep movie. And I was amazed at how much it reminded me of my youth. Not the "guys falling all over me" part. Unfortunately--or maybe fortunately, that was not part of my youth. But hanging out at the mall for fun and working at a movie theatre. It really was much better than I remembered it being.

I am currently working on my "dreams, hopes and aspirations for the new year". I may include doing more "mindless" activities on that list. I don't know...but now I think I am going to lay around some more. This has been way too productive....